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Age of Kings Heaven » Forums » Town's Crier » The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to save a Shallow Princess Character from a tower
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Topic Subject:The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to save a Shallow Princess Character from a tower
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Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-04-08 07:13 PM CT (US)         
The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to rescue
a Shallow Princess Character without a name from a tower


Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess locked up in a castle keep guarded by an evil dragon. You know the rest, let’s jump to the interesting part.

    » What exactly are you? » Lance sais.
    » A dragon of course, what else? »
    » Dragon my arse, you’re some sort of overgrown goat-rat-thing»
    » Beavergoat, if I may» The “dragon” sighs.
    » You know this’ really quite disappointing, I was a expecting an epic battle between good and evil where I get to slaughter loads of monsters, and those writers give me this? »
    » Hey, leave the fourth wall alone! It breaks easily»
    » Why do you think I care? Here I get my first chance to be in my own story and they can’t even give me proper enemies to fight? What a joke. Too cruel they said, not fit for a kids’ fairytale. What a load of bullcrap…»
    » Watch your language, or else I’ll…»
    » You’ll do what? Gnaw my leg off? »
    » Yea… gnaw! »
    » You’re such a sad character, rat»
    » BEAVERGOAT! »
    » Whatever. Let me pass now, I have a princess to save. Speaking of that, is she hot? »
    » How would I know, I’m not human! »
    » Well you’ve been guarding her for, what, ten years? You must have some opinion. You’re a… guy rat, right? »
    » Yea, well, let me put it this way. If she was a beavergoat, I’d gladly show her to my nest»
    » Aha, just what I wanted to hear»
    » So, are you going to kill me anytime soon? »
    » Why would I? »
    » The script says you should»
    » Well we haven’t followed the script very well so far, have we? Why start now? »
    » So you’d rather leave me here to bore me to death than killing me at the spot? What a cruel man you are »
    » I believe it’s called mercy »
    » Mercy? Pure evil is more like it »
    » Seriously, I don’t give a crap about what happens to you, just let me pass»
    » Just chop of a leg? »
    » I said no»
    » Please? »
    » Right, have at it» Lance wields his sword and cuts off one of the beavergoat’s legs.
    » OH THE PAIN! YOU MEAN, EVIL MAN! »
    » You asked for it»
    » I didn’t say I wanted it to hurt so much! Writer, cut that part out! »
    » ‘Don’t touch the fourth wall’, wasn’t that what you said, huh? »
    » I’m a comic relief character, it won’t matter as much as it would if you did it»
    » Bye now»
    » Hey, where do you think you’re going? I’m not done with you yet! »
    » What are you going to do? Bleed on me? »
    » Well… yea? »
    » See ya’»

The not-so-brave Sire Lance Buckload hurries across the bridge of death that stretches over the volcanic Lake of Peril, goes into the Castle of Doom through the Gates of Hell and up into the Tower of Blood, Nukes and Various Other Evil Stuff. There he finds the beautiful captured princess lying in her bed.

    » Get up chick» Lance sais.
    » Only a kiss from my true love can wake me up» the princess relies, dreamingly.
    » Yea right, you’re already awake sunshine»
    » Only a kiss from my true love can wake me up»
    » Ah whatever» Lance kneels and gives her a quick kiss. Her eyes open slowly.
    » My savior, my beloved… what’s your name again? »
    » Lance»
    » My beloved Lance! You have slain many an enemy and travelled many moons to reach me and save be from the dragon of the castle, and for that I’m eternally thankful. Now, let’s go live happily ever after»
    » Now hang on a minute, is this all? No reward? »
    » I am your reward, and we will live happily ever after»
    » But a reward outside the frames of a children’s fairytale? »
    » How do you mean? »
    » You know, you and I, alone in a dark castle…»
    » Oh, now I see! Let’s play hide and seek! »
    » Eh, that’s not really what I had in mind…»
    » No? »
    » You know, let’s just leave…»
    » … and live happily ever after? »
    » One thing at a time babe»
    » Shouldn’t you be calling me something more… medieval? Say, ‘my beloved one’? »
    » Now why would I do that? »
    » To show me how much you love me of course »
    » Well I don’t, okay? I just think you’re hot»
    » That’s not in the script…»
    » Who cares!? »
    » You’re right! Our love shows no material boundaries! »
    » *Sigh*. How naïve can one get? »
    » Well it is a children’s fairytale Lance»
    » It was, until I chopped off one of your pet rat-dragon thing’s legs»
    » You WHAT!? »
    » You heard me»
    » Err, well… you did it so you could save me, so I guess…»
    » Actually I did it because it seemed like fun at that time »
    » That’s se cruel! »
    » I know»
    » You’re evil! »
    » Nah, just a tad antiheroic ‘tis all»
    » This is far off script! »
    » We’ve never been ON script, we’ve been far away from an average fairytale from the very beginning. Now, you come with me and we’ll go home and get this over with. I have other stories to star in»
    » But, hey, let go of me! »

The princess’ begging was to no avail, Lance dragged her out of the castle while she kept criticizing his immoral actions. The “dragon” wasn’t at the bridge anymore, but on the cliffs on the right side of the bridge one could read the carelessly written white letters; “Lance has a tiny” until the Y’s lower part sank down by the cliff side into the lava stream, like its writer – i.e. the “dragon” - had done, brush in hand, or paw, or whatever.

    » Seems like he got what he wanted after all» Lance said, taking little notice of the supposed insult against him.
    » He killed himself! » the princess cried.
    » He didn’t like it here that much anyhow»

And they walked together towards the settling sun – sort of, with Lance dragging the princess across on the ground as she kept yelling and trying to escape back to her tower – towards new adventures, new stories to star in, and they lived happily ever after. Particularly the princess, who got to host her own highly naïve kids’ TV-show on American television. Lance didn’t fare as well, he became a drunkard and died. Actually he died naturally, at a high age, but let’s blame the alcohol to give the story a moral shall we?

And now finally, for your reading pleasure, THE END!

__[]_________
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The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
AuthorReplies:
Scud
Primus inter pares
posted 10-04-08 07:18 PM CT (US)     1 / 33       
To paraphrase what Julius said, what is it with people on the continent and their understanding of proper quotation marks and thier usage?

Pointy arrows grating my eyes aside, 'twas a fun read and a purposefully cliche of a pastiche of the cliched Arthurian tale.

¬_¬ Scuddles: Rhymes with huggles© ¬_¬
"Scud: the man who could even make God feel foolish." - A Banned User
"Anyway, Scud's not mean, it's not in his nature...he is a bit eccentric though!" - Anastasia
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-04-08 07:30 PM CT (US)     2 / 33       
To paraphrase myself from SWS, there are professional writers that use pointy arrows instead of classic quotation marks. But yea, I get your point, Englishmen are very narrow-minded in these matters.

But thanks for the compliment. It seems I produce my best writing when they take less than an hour to produce .

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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
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The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
Scud
Primus inter pares
posted 10-04-08 07:33 PM CT (US)     3 / 33       
Englishmen are very narrow-minded in these matters.
For it's the english language and we have been beaten over the head with the idea of the "Queen's English" since birth?
It seems I produce my best writing when they take less than an hour to produce
Is this rings to true to aanalytical and essay writing the latter years of education would not be a problem to you (that is if you were in the education system found here).

¬_¬ Scuddles: Rhymes with huggles© ¬_¬
"Scud: the man who could even make God feel foolish." - A Banned User
"Anyway, Scud's not mean, it's not in his nature...he is a bit eccentric though!" - Anastasia
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-04-08 07:46 PM CT (US)     4 / 33       
Writing essays and serious work takes much more time, but humour it seems I write best in quick tempo with direct inspiration. Goes for both this, the Screenplay and a few others short stories - in Swedish though.
For it's the english language and we have been beaten over the head with the idea of the "Queen's English" since birth
At least we Swedes maintain an open mind even if we're tutored in the Swedish language from an early age

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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
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The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
sly_guy
Squire
posted 10-04-08 10:26 PM CT (US)     5 / 33       
Reposting, eh?

I think I'll try and quote what Turty originally wrote (without going and finding it):
Basse, you are a genius.

- ک

Ladies and Gentlemen, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

This message has been brought to you by procrastination and the letters K and V.
morgoth bauglir
Squire
posted 10-05-08 02:08 AM CT (US)     6 / 33       
Meh, I read it in SWS too.

Or a similar story.

Or just a story.

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Aro
AoKH Dictator
posted 10-05-08 02:40 AM CT (US)     7 / 33       
Enjoyable++. The title alone conveys the awesomeness.

» Your attractive master.
» "Because I before E is a LIE!!!"
Surge
Squire
(id: Lt_Surge99)
posted 10-05-08 05:39 AM CT (US)     8 / 33       
I couldn't find this at SWS (the forums are kind of confusing ) but please don't tell me this was inspired by the "Typical Medieval Scenario" thread... ?

"Especially awe-inspiring is the fact that any single brain is made up of atoms that were forged in the hearts of countless stars billions of years ago... These atoms now form a conglomerate – your brain – that can not only ponder the very stars that gave it birth but can also think about its own ability to think and wonder about its own ability to wonder. With the arrival of humans…the universe has suddenly become conscious of itself. This, truly, is the greatest mystery of all." - Rama
Julius999
Imposter
posted 10-05-08 06:04 AM CT (US)     9 / 33       
Englishmen are very narrow-minded in these matters.
That's because we're right. Have speechmarks insulted your mother or something?
don't tell me this was inspired by the "Typical Medieval Scenario" thread... ?
Happily not. Apparently the Swedish education system involves this sort of thing. Don't ask me why.

1010011010
[ All_That_Glitters | Pretty_Town_Contest | Other_AoK_Designs | AoE_Designs ]
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Evil Tailor
Squire
(id: Other White Meat)
posted 10-05-08 07:29 AM CT (US)     10 / 33       
» It was, until I chopped off one of your pet rat-dragon thing’s legs»
» You WHAT!? »
» You heard me»
» Err, well… you did it so you could save me, so I guess…»
» Actually I did it because it seemed like fun at that time »
» That’s se cruel! »
Man, I love this
To paraphrase what Julius said, what is it with people on the continent and their understanding of proper quotation marks and thier usage?
I never thought it made a difference? By far I know of these:

- What's that? he said.

"We must go." said the other one.

Plus that one.

"While I'm profaning I might as well do the whole f*cking thing."
-- Christopher Hitchens
http://soundcloud.com/adult-entertainment - Intriguing music! Made by me! (It's excellent!)

[This message has been edited by Other White Meat (edited 10-05-2008 @ 07:31 AM).]

Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-06-08 03:20 AM CT (US)     11 / 33       
Reposting, eh?
We don't get all that many visitors at SWS do we?
Enjoyable++. The title alone conveys the awesomeness.
please don't tell me this was inspired by the "Typical Medieval Scenario" thread... ?
It could be partly inspired by your post, seeing as I read it the day before I wrote this. But no, it's not the major source. One of maybe 200 grammar excersises I have to work with was to write a short story. To make the grammar work enjoyable for once, I made something good out of it which I had fun writing and, apparently is fun reading too.
Apparently the Swedish education system involves this sort of thing. Don't ask me why.
You mean the English system doesn't involve story writing?
Man, I love this
Thanks

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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
Ilmarinen
Squire
(id: Cilibinarii)
posted 10-06-08 09:02 AM CT (US)     12 / 33       
Cliché Quest? Thenoobcomic.com

.....

Cilibinarii
My AOK Maps
Emperor Alexander
Squire
(id: Alex Coles)
posted 10-06-08 11:34 AM CT (US)     13 / 33       
Some of the kids in my school speak a load of crap that I just can't get my head around. Then, they have the cheek to call me posh for not speaking their retarded slang. It's just not going to happen.

By the way Basse, nice bit of comedy there. So how did the dragon know Lance had a small penis?

"...there's a difference between offering constructive criticism and going out of your way to be a dick." - Aro

[This message has been edited by Alex Coles (edited 10-06-2008 @ 11:38 AM).]

Julius999
Imposter
posted 10-06-08 11:51 AM CT (US)     14 / 33       
You mean the English system doesn't involve story writing?
Not like this, no. Remember, we don't have lessons in a second language like you do. Our English lessons are more about analysis and essay-writing, once you get past the agre of twelve.

1010011010
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Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-06-08 01:09 PM CT (US)     15 / 33       
Pretty much what we do during our Swedish classes, except writing stories of varying kinds and themes take part from time to time.
Not like this, no
I wouldn't say our system actually includes writing comedy stories in SS Screenplay style, that's just what I do when I get the chance
So how did the dragon know Lance had a small penis?
X-ray vision. Beavergoats are extraordinary creatures. Pathetic perhaps, but unique.

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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
NeverFinished
Squire
posted 10-06-08 04:30 PM CT (US)     16 / 33       
» What are you going to do? Bleed on me? »
*snickers quietly at Holy Grail reference*

--->n i

/*~-._.-~*~-._.-~*N e v e r F i ____ s h e d*~-._.-~*~-._.-~*\

...the ESTEEMED, BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY...NF~Aro
Mapppp
Squire
(id: Jimmy2)
posted 10-06-08 07:37 PM CT (US)     17 / 33       
Maybe it's just me, but this would be much funnier in film format. Still good though!

◓◓◓◓◓
Evil Tailor
Squire
(id: Other White Meat)
posted 10-07-08 03:58 AM CT (US)     18 / 33       
Maybe it's just me, but this would be much funnier in film format. Still good though!
I thought this, too, but maybe we youngsters tend to write film scripts unconsciously. I know because I've been accused of that in my storywriting.

"While I'm profaning I might as well do the whole f*cking thing."
-- Christopher Hitchens
http://soundcloud.com/adult-entertainment - Intriguing music! Made by me! (It's excellent!)
four hundred babies
Squire
(id: Lord_Fadawah)
posted 10-07-08 06:03 AM CT (US)     19 / 33       
sissi
Squire
posted 10-07-08 09:36 AM CT (US)     20 / 33       
@Lord Basse
I don't know why, but I felt very uneasy while reading your story.As if it was a very hard comment about sth, but certainly it's just a curious coincidence...
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-07-08 02:13 PM CT (US)     21 / 33       
That would be subconcious criticism, I had no intention of giving hard comments when I wrote this, I just got a kick of inspiration and parodied a classical fairytale .
Maybe it's just me, but this would be much funnier in film format. Still good though!
Thanks. Shrek perhaps? Looking back on it, the similarities are many .

__[]_________
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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
sissi
Squire
posted 10-08-08 04:14 AM CT (US)     22 / 33       
Just kidding,lol as everything you do !
But I just disagree with that :

(quotes)
------------------------------------------------------------ --
Question : So how did the dragon know Lance had a small BEEP?
------------------------------------------------------------ --
Answer : X-ray vision. Beavergoats are extraordinary creatures. Pathetic perhaps, but unique
------------------------------------------------------------ --
No no no no no.
-1) The freak wrote that as a revenge, it cannot tell a nail from a tooth, so it mistook Lance's nose for sth else I guess.

-2) Were it true, why would Lance be so eager to "You know, you and I, alone in a dark castle" ?

-3) And finally, but that's a secret, I had an occasion to check that thing, while a cliché-Lance was peeing behind a tree,and can tell you that he's got a fair big ...you know what.

ERGO !
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-08-08 10:15 AM CT (US)     23 / 33       
My answer was meant as joke as well. Beavergoats don't actually have X-ray vision, goat-budgies do. Common mistake.
-2) Were it true, why would Lance be so eager to "You know, you and I, alone in a dark castle" ?
Because he's male, unorthodox and not castrated?
-3) And finally, but that's a secret, I had an occasion to check that thing, while a cliché-Lance was peeing behind a tree,and can tell you that he's got a fair big ...you know what.
You know more about my characters than I do, but I guess Lance was a very fitting name then

__[]_________
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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
RON PAUL 2016
Squire
(id: Turty)
posted 10-08-08 05:11 PM CT (US)     24 / 33       
You wouldn't mind if I distributed this story (giving you credit, of course) to other people, would you?
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-09-08 00:33 AM CT (US)     25 / 33       
As long as you credit me properly, I don't mind.

__[]_________
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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
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