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Age of Kings Heaven » Forums » Town's Crier » The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to save a Shallow Princess Character from a tower
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Topic Subject:The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to save a Shallow Princess Character from a tower
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Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-04-08 07:13 PM CT (US)         
The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to rescue
a Shallow Princess Character without a name from a tower


Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess locked up in a castle keep guarded by an evil dragon. You know the rest, let’s jump to the interesting part.

    » What exactly are you? » Lance sais.
    » A dragon of course, what else? »
    » Dragon my arse, you’re some sort of overgrown goat-rat-thing»
    » Beavergoat, if I may» The “dragon” sighs.
    » You know this’ really quite disappointing, I was a expecting an epic battle between good and evil where I get to slaughter loads of monsters, and those writers give me this? »
    » Hey, leave the fourth wall alone! It breaks easily»
    » Why do you think I care? Here I get my first chance to be in my own story and they can’t even give me proper enemies to fight? What a joke. Too cruel they said, not fit for a kids’ fairytale. What a load of bullcrap…»
    » Watch your language, or else I’ll…»
    » You’ll do what? Gnaw my leg off? »
    » Yea… gnaw! »
    » You’re such a sad character, rat»
    » BEAVERGOAT! »
    » Whatever. Let me pass now, I have a princess to save. Speaking of that, is she hot? »
    » How would I know, I’m not human! »
    » Well you’ve been guarding her for, what, ten years? You must have some opinion. You’re a… guy rat, right? »
    » Yea, well, let me put it this way. If she was a beavergoat, I’d gladly show her to my nest»
    » Aha, just what I wanted to hear»
    » So, are you going to kill me anytime soon? »
    » Why would I? »
    » The script says you should»
    » Well we haven’t followed the script very well so far, have we? Why start now? »
    » So you’d rather leave me here to bore me to death than killing me at the spot? What a cruel man you are »
    » I believe it’s called mercy »
    » Mercy? Pure evil is more like it »
    » Seriously, I don’t give a crap about what happens to you, just let me pass»
    » Just chop of a leg? »
    » I said no»
    » Please? »
    » Right, have at it» Lance wields his sword and cuts off one of the beavergoat’s legs.
    » OH THE PAIN! YOU MEAN, EVIL MAN! »
    » You asked for it»
    » I didn’t say I wanted it to hurt so much! Writer, cut that part out! »
    » ‘Don’t touch the fourth wall’, wasn’t that what you said, huh? »
    » I’m a comic relief character, it won’t matter as much as it would if you did it»
    » Bye now»
    » Hey, where do you think you’re going? I’m not done with you yet! »
    » What are you going to do? Bleed on me? »
    » Well… yea? »
    » See ya’»

The not-so-brave Sire Lance Buckload hurries across the bridge of death that stretches over the volcanic Lake of Peril, goes into the Castle of Doom through the Gates of Hell and up into the Tower of Blood, Nukes and Various Other Evil Stuff. There he finds the beautiful captured princess lying in her bed.

    » Get up chick» Lance sais.
    » Only a kiss from my true love can wake me up» the princess relies, dreamingly.
    » Yea right, you’re already awake sunshine»
    » Only a kiss from my true love can wake me up»
    » Ah whatever» Lance kneels and gives her a quick kiss. Her eyes open slowly.
    » My savior, my beloved… what’s your name again? »
    » Lance»
    » My beloved Lance! You have slain many an enemy and travelled many moons to reach me and save be from the dragon of the castle, and for that I’m eternally thankful. Now, let’s go live happily ever after»
    » Now hang on a minute, is this all? No reward? »
    » I am your reward, and we will live happily ever after»
    » But a reward outside the frames of a children’s fairytale? »
    » How do you mean? »
    » You know, you and I, alone in a dark castle…»
    » Oh, now I see! Let’s play hide and seek! »
    » Eh, that’s not really what I had in mind…»
    » No? »
    » You know, let’s just leave…»
    » … and live happily ever after? »
    » One thing at a time babe»
    » Shouldn’t you be calling me something more… medieval? Say, ‘my beloved one’? »
    » Now why would I do that? »
    » To show me how much you love me of course »
    » Well I don’t, okay? I just think you’re hot»
    » That’s not in the script…»
    » Who cares!? »
    » You’re right! Our love shows no material boundaries! »
    » *Sigh*. How naïve can one get? »
    » Well it is a children’s fairytale Lance»
    » It was, until I chopped off one of your pet rat-dragon thing’s legs»
    » You WHAT!? »
    » You heard me»
    » Err, well… you did it so you could save me, so I guess…»
    » Actually I did it because it seemed like fun at that time »
    » That’s se cruel! »
    » I know»
    » You’re evil! »
    » Nah, just a tad antiheroic ‘tis all»
    » This is far off script! »
    » We’ve never been ON script, we’ve been far away from an average fairytale from the very beginning. Now, you come with me and we’ll go home and get this over with. I have other stories to star in»
    » But, hey, let go of me! »

The princess’ begging was to no avail, Lance dragged her out of the castle while she kept criticizing his immoral actions. The “dragon” wasn’t at the bridge anymore, but on the cliffs on the right side of the bridge one could read the carelessly written white letters; “Lance has a tiny” until the Y’s lower part sank down by the cliff side into the lava stream, like its writer – i.e. the “dragon” - had done, brush in hand, or paw, or whatever.

    » Seems like he got what he wanted after all» Lance said, taking little notice of the supposed insult against him.
    » He killed himself! » the princess cried.
    » He didn’t like it here that much anyhow»

And they walked together towards the settling sun – sort of, with Lance dragging the princess across on the ground as she kept yelling and trying to escape back to her tower – towards new adventures, new stories to star in, and they lived happily ever after. Particularly the princess, who got to host her own highly naïve kids’ TV-show on American television. Lance didn’t fare as well, he became a drunkard and died. Actually he died naturally, at a high age, but let’s blame the alcohol to give the story a moral shall we?

And now finally, for your reading pleasure, THE END!

__[]_________
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The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
AuthorReplies:
Impeached
VIP (Reverie World Studios)
(id: MeGaIdIoT)
posted 10-09-08 01:12 AM CT (US)     26 / 33       
"Some random swedish guy on the internet wrote this".

me
Gwame
Squire
posted 10-09-08 11:05 AM CT (US)     27 / 33       
The story climaxed too quickly, much like its author.

MY NAME IS GWAME I AM AOKH MEMBER SINCE 2004 AND I HAVE MANY POSTS
BEST SIG OF 2008 AND 2ND BEST SIG OF 2009 (SAME SIG LOLOL)
BEST SIG OF 2008
92% of teenagers have moved on to rap music. If you're on of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy this into your signature.
"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^" "Gwame your sig ain't funny nomore." - morgoth bauglir"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^"
sissi
Squire
posted 10-09-08 12:53 PM CT (US)     28 / 33       
@Gwame How right you are .ROFLMAO !
@ Basse BTW,You could be a lawyer, with your ability to find a final answer to absolutely anything ! I enjoyed it a lot. So long, now, and good luck for your work.

[This message has been edited by sissi (edited 10-12-2008 @ 03:23 AM).]

Constantine12
Squire
posted 10-29-08 01:09 PM CT (US)     29 / 33       
Had a good laugh, am always up for some comedy. Deffinitely material for the stage! Hope to see more!
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-29-08 01:50 PM CT (US)     30 / 33       
That's a big bump. But still, thanks

__[]_________
|||||||||||||||||
The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
Gwame
Squire
posted 10-29-08 09:46 PM CT (US)     31 / 33       
Basse is a Cherub? Wtf mate?

MY NAME IS GWAME I AM AOKH MEMBER SINCE 2004 AND I HAVE MANY POSTS
BEST SIG OF 2008 AND 2ND BEST SIG OF 2009 (SAME SIG LOLOL)
BEST SIG OF 2008
92% of teenagers have moved on to rap music. If you're on of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy this into your signature.
"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^" "Gwame your sig ain't funny nomore." - morgoth bauglir"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^"
Lord Basse
MI6 Scenario-Making Machine
posted 10-29-08 10:09 PM CT (US)     32 / 33       
I run the Blacksmith Feature - http://aok.heavengames.com/cgi-bin/aokcgi/display.cgi?action=ct&f=22,38058,,10

__[]_________
|||||||||||||||||
The ||||||||||||||||| Hus
OF | [/ \] |¯| [/ \] | ME
______________________________________________________________________________ |__ _ |¯|____|_______________________________________________________________________________
The Relics of Athalën (5.0) | AoK Opus - 95,000+ downloads | StormWind Studios | "I consider the conversion of Basse to be one of the great triumphs of my modding crusade" - Matt LiVecchi
Gwame
Squire
posted 10-30-08 03:00 PM CT (US)     33 / 33       
Strange, I knew that. I already congratulated you... But I never noticed your username's new colour.

MY NAME IS GWAME I AM AOKH MEMBER SINCE 2004 AND I HAVE MANY POSTS
BEST SIG OF 2008 AND 2ND BEST SIG OF 2009 (SAME SIG LOLOL)
BEST SIG OF 2008
92% of teenagers have moved on to rap music. If you're on of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy this into your signature.
"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^" "Gwame your sig ain't funny nomore." - morgoth bauglir"^`'*-=~+,._.,+~=-*'`^"
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