This is going to be another failure. I can feel it. I know that I imagine this to be some great epic, as if somehow, I would publish it and get a bunch of attention, and I know that that is just another dream that will never happen.
Yes, I have been feeling pretty depressed at the time of writing, and yes I am doing this for the attention. It feels to me like the low I have been in has magnified my desire to be recognized as someone people like, which causes me to act for that purpose. That never turns out well. I’m not sure if I can imagine a time where I have successfully acted for the purpose of making people like me. I think that every time I just look like some autistic little shit who can’t keep do anything socially right. It actually felt bad to type that because it is truer than I would like.
I’m pretty sure everyone on AOKH knows this to some degree. I just posted some shit that if I had put any forethought into, I would have figured out exactly how terribly it would fail. And that is the smallest of the shit-stains I have put on my account. I vaguely remember posting some racist or sexist comment or something and getting a bunch of shit for it. And of course I posted some terrible essay on how I was doing an experiment, to try to get attention and to make all of you like me. I think even my first post has been tarnished by this problem I have had. If I remember correctly post on AOKH was about setting up some scenario competition, while barely knowing anything about the game and trying to sound like someone who was cool and knew what he was doing. Everyone rightfully called me out on my BS and for some reason I stayed.
I wish it was just that. I wish that this small little problem I have only extended to the internet and that I was perfectly normal in real life. But of course that isn’t true. My freshman year of high school was a 24/7 cringefest. I barely remember exactly what I did back then I think because I try to avoid it. The gist of it was that I acted like some hyperactive narcissist that couldn’t stop telling jokes to my “friends”. I don’t even know if you could call them jokes. Every time I opened my mouth I screamed an unfunny joke that just begged for attention. I remember a kid named Einar, he looked like some kind of Scandinavian who was taller than me. He did exactly the same thing, except people actually liked his jokes sometimes. I thought he was disgusting because he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out stupid stuff to get attention. I suppose I projected a lot then.
It doesn’t stop there though. I can barely remember anything pre-high school. All I remember is that some point then, I thought I was being bullied, when in reality I was being ostracized for being a freak. My parents even went to the principal about it. I entered high school and I had no one to hang out with like normal people do. All I did was sit on my ass, staring at a computer screen all day. Hence why I put quotes around friends. I only stayed with those people because they were somewhat remotely like me. I thought that exclusively on those grounds that they should like me.
I waste my social life freshman year. Sophmore year comes by, I start hanging with those “friends” less and less. Not because I realized the stupidity of my ways. Rather it was because I was becoming a narcissist. I think sometime near the end of my freshman year I developed the ability to mimic a thought pattern which I thought to be extremely logical. Combine that with the fact that I am somewhat more intelligent than the normal people I interact with and raging narcissism forms. When I read Crime and Punishment for English that year I thought Raskolnikov was godlike, and that I should strive to be like him. My god I regret that.
I could write a book on all the mistakes I have made. I could tell you about how my first relationship with a girl a web of lies, how my addiction to computers made it near impossible to even keep a 3 GPA, or how I left my mom’s house for a year with no contact when my maternal grandfather was dying. But the message would stay the same.
John the Late, ill answer your question with a real response this time. I think I stay on AOKH because my actions have no impact on my actual life. I can try to get attention for myself without any of you being directly tied to me; I don’t have to look at your faces every day, its impersonal. Yet it is not so impersonal that my actions are completely drowned in the sea of others. I created the Titanking account originally because I wanted to cleanse myself of the reputation I had gained. I think I keep it now because I somehow want to cling on to the false fact thought that my reputation changed.
You know, originally I intended this to be about some theories on artificial intelligence I had. Whenever I attempt to write those I start with a little bit about myself then move on the actual ideas I have. I’m just stereotypically bad at writing, and usually fail at expressing my opinions, and I thought I would just quit after typing up a page or so. Hence the first sentence. It’s kinda funny how I failed in this way.
I don’t even know why I am stuck so far on this tangent. I suppose a huge post like this might garner some compassion from you guys, and satisfy my desire to be liked, but I’m pretty sure that it is something else entirely. I have a lot of flaws and have wanted to come to terms with them for a while. For the past couple months I’ve just disassociated myself from my previous actions, as in I could analyze myself without emotional interference. Some of my justification was along the lines of “The sum of weight of my experiences is less than what many people experience in a single day.” or “Depressed people are only people who have neurological disorders with their minds. Any thoughts I have that could cause it are irrational.”. I guess it built up stereotypically and now it’s all bursting.
God damn I need a therapist. I’m seriously trying to confess myself to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet who wouldn’t even know if I died tomorrow. Most of you won’t give two shits about this. I bet half of you will insult me for it and the other half will secretly dislike me for it too.
Life is bleak
My memes are bleak
Once upon a time
I ate a lime
Yes, I have been feeling pretty depressed at the time of writing, and yes I am doing this for the attention. It feels to me like the low I have been in has magnified my desire to be recognized as someone people like, which causes me to act for that purpose. That never turns out well. I’m not sure if I can imagine a time where I have successfully acted for the purpose of making people like me. I think that every time I just look like some autistic little shit who can’t keep do anything socially right. It actually felt bad to type that because it is truer than I would like.
I’m pretty sure everyone on AOKH knows this to some degree. I just posted some shit that if I had put any forethought into, I would have figured out exactly how terribly it would fail. And that is the smallest of the shit-stains I have put on my account. I vaguely remember posting some racist or sexist comment or something and getting a bunch of shit for it. And of course I posted some terrible essay on how I was doing an experiment, to try to get attention and to make all of you like me. I think even my first post has been tarnished by this problem I have had. If I remember correctly post on AOKH was about setting up some scenario competition, while barely knowing anything about the game and trying to sound like someone who was cool and knew what he was doing. Everyone rightfully called me out on my BS and for some reason I stayed.
I wish it was just that. I wish that this small little problem I have only extended to the internet and that I was perfectly normal in real life. But of course that isn’t true. My freshman year of high school was a 24/7 cringefest. I barely remember exactly what I did back then I think because I try to avoid it. The gist of it was that I acted like some hyperactive narcissist that couldn’t stop telling jokes to my “friends”. I don’t even know if you could call them jokes. Every time I opened my mouth I screamed an unfunny joke that just begged for attention. I remember a kid named Einar, he looked like some kind of Scandinavian who was taller than me. He did exactly the same thing, except people actually liked his jokes sometimes. I thought he was disgusting because he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out stupid stuff to get attention. I suppose I projected a lot then.
It doesn’t stop there though. I can barely remember anything pre-high school. All I remember is that some point then, I thought I was being bullied, when in reality I was being ostracized for being a freak. My parents even went to the principal about it. I entered high school and I had no one to hang out with like normal people do. All I did was sit on my ass, staring at a computer screen all day. Hence why I put quotes around friends. I only stayed with those people because they were somewhat remotely like me. I thought that exclusively on those grounds that they should like me.
I waste my social life freshman year. Sophmore year comes by, I start hanging with those “friends” less and less. Not because I realized the stupidity of my ways. Rather it was because I was becoming a narcissist. I think sometime near the end of my freshman year I developed the ability to mimic a thought pattern which I thought to be extremely logical. Combine that with the fact that I am somewhat more intelligent than the normal people I interact with and raging narcissism forms. When I read Crime and Punishment for English that year I thought Raskolnikov was godlike, and that I should strive to be like him. My god I regret that.
I could write a book on all the mistakes I have made. I could tell you about how my first relationship with a girl a web of lies, how my addiction to computers made it near impossible to even keep a 3 GPA, or how I left my mom’s house for a year with no contact when my maternal grandfather was dying. But the message would stay the same.
John the Late, ill answer your question with a real response this time. I think I stay on AOKH because my actions have no impact on my actual life. I can try to get attention for myself without any of you being directly tied to me; I don’t have to look at your faces every day, its impersonal. Yet it is not so impersonal that my actions are completely drowned in the sea of others. I created the Titanking account originally because I wanted to cleanse myself of the reputation I had gained. I think I keep it now because I somehow want to cling on to the false fact thought that my reputation changed.
You know, originally I intended this to be about some theories on artificial intelligence I had. Whenever I attempt to write those I start with a little bit about myself then move on the actual ideas I have. I’m just stereotypically bad at writing, and usually fail at expressing my opinions, and I thought I would just quit after typing up a page or so. Hence the first sentence. It’s kinda funny how I failed in this way.
I don’t even know why I am stuck so far on this tangent. I suppose a huge post like this might garner some compassion from you guys, and satisfy my desire to be liked, but I’m pretty sure that it is something else entirely. I have a lot of flaws and have wanted to come to terms with them for a while. For the past couple months I’ve just disassociated myself from my previous actions, as in I could analyze myself without emotional interference. Some of my justification was along the lines of “The sum of weight of my experiences is less than what many people experience in a single day.” or “Depressed people are only people who have neurological disorders with their minds. Any thoughts I have that could cause it are irrational.”. I guess it built up stereotypically and now it’s all bursting.
God damn I need a therapist. I’m seriously trying to confess myself to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet who wouldn’t even know if I died tomorrow. Most of you won’t give two shits about this. I bet half of you will insult me for it and the other half will secretly dislike me for it too.
My memes are bleak
Once upon a time
I ate a lime