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Age of Kings Heaven » Forums » Town's Crier » The stationary traveler
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Topic Subject:The stationary traveler
devagrawal09
Squire
posted 02-26-19 11:34 PM CT (US)         
Hello everyone!

This is a prologue story I have written for a game concept that me and a few people are working on for a college project. The game is basically about a time traveling hero who is looking for a big bad guy wreaking havoc in different time periods. We just started working on the concept, so this is only part of the story that has been developed. Any kind of feedback is appreciated.
The Stationary Traveler
Prologue – Part 1

The year 3019. Humans have become incredibly technologically advanced. The latest innovation by the T-Hawk Wiz Industries – Project SHARDS – are small but very powerful crystals that fuel temporal navigation – in other words, they provide the ability to travel through time. The initial prototypes were very successful – and soon they enabled citizens to go back in time and meet their ancestors, watch monumental wonders being built or witness the birth of people who are only heard of in history lessons.

But as with any technology, it was impossible to keep it out of wrong hands. People with some immoral inclinations got access to the SHARDS and used it to steal precious artifacts from throughout the history. To combat this new threat, the governments of the worlds put together a unit called the Time Rangers, led by the infamous detective and bounty hunter Nazus.

Meanwhile, the scientists at T-Hawk secretly began working on SHARDS 2.0. For the second iteration the scientists started playing around in some yet-unknown and highly experimental territory – The extra-dimensional matter, aka, XD matter. The theory was that this kind of matter, when supercharged with nuclear batteries, would open an entrance to an extra-dimensional highway. The first prototype used some regular SHARDS that synchronized to fuel the main crystal inside. Once enough charge was given to the shards, they sent out a shockwave that ignited the crystal and emitted XD matter with incredibly high energy. If controlled, this energy could be focused on a single point which would create a super-wormhole, opening up access to other dimensions and enabling travelling through time and space like never before.

On May 2nd 3019, the team decided to test the ability of SHARDS 2.0. The fired up the prototype, activated the crystal, and patiently waited for the XD matter detector to go off. And after a few seconds, there were sparks all over place, alarms were going off, and amidst of all the chaos, they noticed the XD detector going off. Eureka! They had done it! The overloading systems cooled down, alarms went quiet, and the only chaos was scientists cheering and applauding. The crystal was emitting XD matter that would be soon harnessed and put to a great new use! After 5 minutes of observation, the SHARDS were depowered, and batteries disconnected. But the main crystal continued to emit XD matter, and the emission was increasing every second. How? They did not yet create a stable reaction that could be causing this! Where did this anomaly come from? The scientists did not do anything wrong, they were sure of that. So this must be happening from the other side…
Prologue – Part 2

Once again, there is chaos all around the lab. The scanners indicate XD matter continuously emitting from the crystal in all directions. All of a sudden, there is a huge spike in the emission, accompanied by a loud noise, shaking every instrument in the lab. The spike only lasted for 0.2 seconds, but it's shockwave was felt outside the building. Luckily, no XD matter leaked out. But a few seconds later, there was another spike, only this time it was stronger. The scientists feared that the source of this anomaly was an entity of extradimensional nature, which was drawn to that location due to the flow of XD matter, and now the entity is trying to break the barrier and enter our world.

The Time Rangers were summoned to the facility, and they surrounded the SHARD containment field. The Time Rangers were equipped with state-of-the-art weapons built primarily for time-travelers, but Nazus was afraid that they will not be able to handle this unknown threat. Regardless, they were all ready to face whatever was coming their way. Meanwhile, the scientists kept trying to contain the XD matter emission.

But it was too late. The third spike arrived with an enormous impulse. The shockwave broke the containment field and pushed every scientist and Ranger away from the crystal. Every person who was in that room was either on the floor or rendered blind by the extreme glow of the crystal. It took everyone a few seconds to get back on their feet and get their eyes open, but when they did, they wished that they had stayed down…

The extra-dimensional entity was hovering right next to the crystal. It was terrifying enough to shake the Time Rangers, who have seen horrors throughout history. But they did not have time to be afraid. Now was the time to fight back. So they did. Nazus ordered an open fire. The Rangers gave the horrific creature everything they had in their arsenal. Their firepower did a lot of damage to the creature. The creature made some growling noises, and fought back. Five Rangers were thrown back with incredible momentum, only stopped when their heads hit the wall. The rest kept firing, and the creature kept taking damage, while growling. Nazus took out his fission grenade launcher, aimed for the creature, and pressed the trigger. The grenade exploded with a loud and fiery impact, immobilizing the creature. Its growling stopped, and in a few seconds the lab was once again filled with cheer. Nazus was getting a bad feeling, like the job wasn’t finished. But everyone around him convinced him that not only they had discovered an extra-dimensional creature, but they managed to subdue it. The scientists also managed to stabilize and ultimately depower the crystal, stopping the XD matter emission. No other creature would be entering our world anytime soon. The one that did was beaten to death by the Time Rangers. Or so they thought, until it started growling again…


|E)\/

[This message has been edited by devagrawal09 (edited 04-11-2019 @ 08:59 AM).]

AuthorReplies:
devagrawal09
Squire
posted 04-04-19 07:13 PM CT (US)     1 / 7       
Posting part 2 soon! I thought about writing only 2 parts, but instead now it's going to be a trilogy. Will update with part 2 as soon as it's finished.

EDIT: also updated part 1 with some names.

|E)\/

[This message has been edited by devagrawal09 (edited 04-04-2019 @ 07:14 PM).]

Fisk
Champion of AoEH
(id: Fruktfisk)
posted 04-08-19 03:11 PM CT (US)     2 / 7       
Conceptually this is interesting enough for a simple game, but to me it reads more like a back cover text than an actual story. Of course it depends on how you're going to present it, but creating a character, perhaps one of the scientists at T-Hawk, to provide the "eyes and ears" for the reader, thus giving it a clearer narrative perspective might help to counteract that impression. That way you might for instance also shift the perspective to that of Nazus the bounty hunter in subsequent parts. But yeah, as I said, a decently interesting concept. I also like your job with the naming conventions, particularly "XD matter". xD

//The warrior of Isola

"I lack quotes that demonstrate Humor Intelligence or anything about me."

Pineapplefish
Cleidopus gloriamaris
Popeychops
"Cool" Huskarl
posted 04-08-19 05:39 PM CT (US)     3 / 7       
Fisk has a point, call it X-matter.

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devagrawal09
Squire
posted 04-11-19 09:07 AM CT (US)     4 / 7       
it reads more like a back cover text than an actual story.
This is a prologue story I have written
The actual game plot is very complicated, since it is basically 5 different plots. Why, you'll know soon.
perhaps one of the scientists at T-Hawk, to provide the "eyes and ears" for the reader, thus giving it a clearer narrative perspective might help to counteract that impression.
Good idea, will try that.
I also like your job with the naming conventions, particularly "XD matter".
Thanks XD I started out with "extra-dimensional matter" but it became boring. We thought we might as well have some fun with this, so I played around with a lot of acronyms until I found XD matter, and I immediately knew that I need not to look further.

|E)\/
devagrawal09
Squire
posted 04-11-19 09:08 AM CT (US)     5 / 7       
Update - Part 2 is here!

|E)\/
Fisk
Champion of AoEH
(id: Fruktfisk)
posted 04-11-19 03:00 PM CT (US)     6 / 7       
A prologue to me is something which predates the other events of the story by a significant time, but otherwise I think it should follow a regular story structure. My main concern with your first part is how it glosses over a lot of story elements to introduce them as soon as possible, mainly in the first two paragraphs. This works fine for a draft or back cover text meant to inform what the story is about, rather than tell it. But as for telling, I think it makes more sense to introduce things as they take on an importance in the text, for instance now that you have written part 2 of your story it seems more structurally sound to introduce Nazus and the time rangers there, as they actually make their appearance in the story.

I liked part 2 a bit more, precisely for the reason that it follows a clear structure where every paragraph follows intuitively from the one before; Extradimensional Entity appears, Time Rangers arrive to fight it, creature is defeated. Obviously do a proofreading of the thing and make sure that it sticks to one single tempus (i.e. don't mix is and was between every other sentence). Also avoid repeat phrasings such as beginning consecutive sentences with "The Time Rangers" where you can.

A few phrases also stick out to me. Rendered blind to me really sounds like the affliction is permanent, rather than what I understand is supposed to be a temporary blinding. In the last paragraph I'm also a bit confused about what happened to the crature, immobilized and subdue seem to suggest that it is indeed captured alive (which is what I would presume would be the greatest victory for science), but then in the final sentence it is apparently presumed to be dead, right before we find out that it isn't.

Keep up the good work!

//The warrior of Isola

"I lack quotes that demonstrate Humor Intelligence or anything about me."

Pineapplefish
Cleidopus gloriamaris
devagrawal09
Squire
posted 04-16-19 08:40 AM CT (US)     7 / 7       
A few phrases also stick out to me. Rendered blind to me really sounds like the affliction is permanent, rather than what I understand is supposed to be a temporary blinding.
My main motive of saying "rendered blind" was to emphasize the intensity of the light emitted. I knew this wasn't the right phrase, but nothing popped into my head.
Obviously do a proofreading of the thing and make sure that it sticks to one single tempus (i.e. don't mix is and was between every other sentence). Also avoid repeat phrasings such as beginning consecutive sentences with "The Time Rangers" where you can.
Will be done soon. Not that they might impact out grade, but for the sake of finishing a story, I'll make this as good as it can be.

Feedback is really appreciated. Thanks!

Also, Part 3 coming this week! And this part will have a darker plot, so I'm trying to figure out a darker storytelling.

|E)\/
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