If you are tired of having your biscuits imported from foreign lands full of Italians, Germans, Slavs, Magyars and worst of all Finns (as well as other filthy-fingered non-Brits) then we now present an opportunity to prevent the molestation of national biscuits. Please allow me to retain your attention for a short discussion outlining the position of myself and many others at this difficult time.
Issue of Discussion on Agenda at Position One (hereafter referred to as the primary position or position Epsilon) is the position of standing in relation to the agenda'd subject of HobNobs.
Although known since the days of Shakespeare as the HobNob, it would be well-advised by my noted assistant advisor (hereafter referred to as THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE) that the fuller history of HobNobs must be collected and presented forth in order to educate those of a lower order of knowledge.
Suffice to say, the HobNob has been produced by traditional methods by small craftsmen (small in reference to stature) since the days before the modern era. The first account of the HobNob, THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, has informed me, was in the accounts of the travels of Pytheas of Massilia. The noted explorer was said to have circumnavigated the British isles, perhaps with a slight detour to Norway, although perhaps not. Either way, upon mooring his rowboat at the city we know today as Coventry (although it was known in those days Coventrinium), he encountered a local vendor of HobNobs outside of a large stone temple. Recounted below in quotes his Pytheas's exact recollection of the conversation, translated from the Greek into modern vernacular English by THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE.
Although it is challenging and nearly nonsensical to engage in the troublesome game of converting classical currency into a modern equivalent, the burden has unenviably fallen on the shoulders of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE. By his estimation, and using the table below, he has shown with reasonable accuracy (as much as is possible with these topics) the rough price of HobNobs in the only modern currency with which he is familiar, the Yemeni Rial.
Although we can see here THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE engaging in idle speculation as to the cost of a falafel in such a perplexingly Saxon society, the point still illustrates that a single piece of such a foodstuff would cost 75.5 Modern Israeli New Sheqel.
In this event we see illustrated facts hitherto unconsidered by the average biscuit consumer. Since then other accounts of HobNob consumption come from historical figures such as Chaucer, who was known to have included a reference to HobNobs in his epic Canterbury Tales. In The Farrier's Tale, he writes of a 'commone man djwelin among t'sede of stret' who was seen to be 'deenin' an bisscitty treat' thought by many these days to be a reference to a HobNob. As THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has observed, 'bisscitty treat' in middle English was rather a rare term. Even when leaving aside the lack of linguistic standardization, and bringing in other terms of a similar nature, it still appears only to be associated with oat-based products held together by the same methods as HobNobs, leading all major discerning and critical readers to conclude of this being beyond any reasonable doubt, a reference to a HobNob.
As a third and final historical analysis of this particular item, one need look no further than the great bard of England himself, William Shakespeare of the Globe Theater, London. In many records of his life, his love of HobNobs were recorded. From one letter dated to May 1616, he is known to have declared his love of such a biscuit, exclaiming as follows,
And now, it is not without concern that I raise the biggest issue to be addressed in position Epsilon, the modern production of HobNobs. I believe it is beyond any conceivable doubt that I have shown HobNobs to be a truly ancient and non-class-bound tradition of Britain that I move on to issues of their current production. It has not been allowed to slip passed the eyes of the modern discerning Britishman, that the quality of HobNobs have been compromised.
At this point, I rely on the research of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, who has helpfully spent most of the last three months rummaging through every EU regulation to find the one named EU Regulation 54/2002, which is the one specifically pertaining to the production of HobNobs. It is known to not be unlike the EU to meddle with the cultural affairs of marginalized peoples, such as the Basque, the Welsh or the Sardinians, but to meddle so directly with a cornerstone of the British cultural identity was previously believed by the author to be unthinkable, but upon reading this document, my beliefs were painfully altered.
For those not "in the loop", so to speak, the document pertained to the size, shape, composition and production methods of the HobNob. Much alike to when the Sardinians were told to remove the maggots from their Casu Marzu, the British people were told to remove the love from their HobNobs. The size was regulated to be slightly smaller than was previously the norm, the oat to honey ratio was forced to lean slightly more towards honey (in what can only be assumed was an attempt to lean preference towards French and German honey producing multi-national corporations) as well as, most shockingly of all, solely licensing the manufacture of HobNob biscuits to a rural region of Bulgaria.
In this region of Bulgaria, around the town of Kazanluk, one can find numerous small HobNob manufacturing communities, unrecognized by the national government of Bulgaria and unmarked on Google Earth. The photo below should provide ample illustration.
THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has informed me that people escaped from these communities have reported horrendous conditions. The individuals there are told that 'HobNobs will be your entire life'. They are regularly told not to "think of things other than HobNobs". As such, leaving aside any particular issues of worker exploitation, it is perhaps of greater concern, that the key ingredient of love has been removed from the HobNob.
If this was not devastating enough, it has come to the attention of many discerning individuals, that the current conservative government has been implicit in the whole affair. David Cameron was even once believed to have visited the camps, accompanied by Mobutu Sese Seko, as recently as 2010. The camps are believed to be run by rogue elements of the current Congolese government, using a mixture of Congolese, Bulgarian and Finnish workers on the factory floor. It is also worthy of note that individuals working at the Bulgarian camps are known to be, according to accounts of disimpassioned telephoto photographers, of unusually large stature. Also removing the long-held tradition of using only short-statured craftmen to produce British HobNobs.
As such, it appears that among the biscuits of Britain, the HobNob is no longer of satisfactory, savory production. It is handled no longer by skilled craftmen, as has been the tradition since ancient times, but by unskilled foreign craftmen. The worst among them perhaps the Finns, some of whom have even been known to slip salted licorice into the HobNobs, much to the chagrin of British consumers in the UK as well as their colonies of Australia, New Zealand, Cyprus, Malta and the Algarve.
This meddling of ingredients brings me on to theIssue of Discussion on Agenda at Position Two (hereafter referred to as the secondary position or position Theta) is the position of standing in relation to the agenda'd subject of the Greek manufacture of Rich Teas.
Although the Greek financial situation is well-known to the modern people of Europe and the British colonies in North America, it made need some further explanation for persons from further afield. As such I have chosen to link an enlightening article below for interested readers in more distant territories such as China, Japan or Zanzibar.
Englightening Article For Distant Persons
All of the hearts of Europe are with Greece in this difficult time, but it should not distract us from some among the more serious issues at play. The issue I wish to discuss is the British outsourcing of the production of Rich Teas to unlicensed producers in Greece.
To take a brief aside, the love of Rich Teas, it should be indicated, is wide-spread in British society. Some of its more famous patrons include Byron and Shelley, as well as Queen Elizabeth I & II. It is generally considered by people of the general public to be rather a romantic biscuit, retaining its individual beauty and character through its unique simplicity. Many persons in modern Britain like to think of it as the greatest national symbol of the fruits of the Romantic period. In fact, some individuals actually claim that Queen Elizabeth I's personal accounts of consuming digestives could in fact have been a forgery devised by Victorian revisionists attempting to remove the limelight from Byron - as many believed in that period that Byron was the original creator of the humble rich tea, as it did so embody his own personal artistic and creative outlook. For the purposes of idle speculation, the reader will know doubt be delighted to know that I have tracked down Byron's recipe and will reproduce it here. THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE informs me that Byron's recipe is unlikely to be the first, but it is undoubtedly the oldest as yet known to the British people.
As in the primary position, it would appear that unscrupulous ingredients are entering the Rich Tea. Thanks to the efforts of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, there has been some progress in discerning exactly what has been entering these biscuits. By flying the individual out in to the field, the exact production process has been observed.
Those who have never been to Greece may not be aware of the beauty of their beaches, below is an illustrative image, showing one of the more famous beaches of Kos, Thermes. Note the distinctly Rich Tea like texture of the sand.
And to those of my readers above average intellect, the conclusion is undoubtedly already drawn! The Greeks have been planting sand from their unusually luscious beaches, into our British biscuits. Under UK law, sand was a prohibited ingredient in biscuits for general consumption but under EU Regulation 562/2006, sand is now permitted in biscuits across the EU. This has led to an unprecedented in surge in biscuit sand, as I doubt will come as a surprise to nobody.
Some individuals in Greece are known to be collecting beach sand and baking it into biscuits, as THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has now observed first-hand. And to make matters more shocking McVities have actually been complicit in this. On Greek islands, it is very common to find McVities representatives whose sole job is to roam the streets purchasing counterfeit sand-based Rich Tea biscuits and carrying them in locked briefcases back to the UK onQueen's Messenger passports implicating the queen in this whole affair as well. So with not even the great British institution of the monarchy in this whole affair to turn to I move on to our final point on the agenda.
Issue of Discussion on Agenda at Position Three (hereafter referred to as the tertiary position or position Gamma) is the position of the future, and acts which could be put in place to move towards a successful adoption of a resolution to these issues pleasing to all.
It is here that I suggest a three point plan, that I hope can be rallied behind by all. The initial step is easy, it just involves turning up on national referendum day and ticking the box labeled "Brexit for Britain and Biscuits". The next two maybe harder. I will outline each of them briefly and then elaborate.
ONE Vote Britain For Brexit in the Brexit Test in June and Assure Britain's Brexit For Britain, and Build a Brexited Life For Your Brexit Children.
TWO Boycott non-Brexit Biscuits for Britain.
THREE Ensure the increasing rising Nationalism in Britain Continues, as Such That One Day Great Britain Can Be Named Brexit Britain, and Known Henceforth as The United Kingdom of Brexit Britain and Northern Ireland.
As established previously, the first point is easy to do, and no doubt you are impassioned for it after reading the accounts in point Epsilon and Theta, but for a British individual the challenge will come in boycotting McVities. I think by now, dear reader, their evil should be well-known. I simply pray that you have the strength to bake your own biscuits at home, and resist to purchase the ones thumbed by Bulgarians and Finns. It is only by voting with our wallets, that we can send a strong enough message to the corporate giants.
As for the third point, I recommend manufacturing your own clothes at home, produced from only discarded flags removed from government buildings by the new anti-patriotic Europhiles in our modern parliament. For those for whom a statement such as this is not strong enough, I recommend printing out images of Nigel Farage's face, and wearing them over your own face when out in public. If at least 30% of the population were to do this, and David Cameron saw such an image whilst roaming the streets of London, he would no doubt be converted to considering the issue at hand, and ensuring government protection for the future of our British biscuits.
For those with partners who are not completely converted to feelings of concern regarding these serious issues, I highly recommend wearing a similar or identical Nigel Farage mask whilst in bed or making love with them. However please bear in mind that an indoor mask may not require such weather-resistant material as an outdoor mask.
Although known since the days of Shakespeare as the HobNob, it would be well-advised by my noted assistant advisor (hereafter referred to as THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE) that the fuller history of HobNobs must be collected and presented forth in order to educate those of a lower order of knowledge.
Suffice to say, the HobNob has been produced by traditional methods by small craftsmen (small in reference to stature) since the days before the modern era. The first account of the HobNob, THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, has informed me, was in the accounts of the travels of Pytheas of Massilia. The noted explorer was said to have circumnavigated the British isles, perhaps with a slight detour to Norway, although perhaps not. Either way, upon mooring his rowboat at the city we know today as Coventry (although it was known in those days Coventrinium), he encountered a local vendor of HobNobs outside of a large stone temple. Recounted below in quotes his Pytheas's exact recollection of the conversation, translated from the Greek into modern vernacular English by THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE.
Thus, as can be seen, the biscuit was not so easily bought as it would be on these days. It is not without a single minute of strolling in the cities of Britain these days (even in the home city of the HobNob, modern Coventry), that one goes without seeing everyone from a Nana to a baby of one to three months, chomping down a HobNob in states ranging from ravenous hunger, to mild-mannered snackishness.Pray, do tell me more of this biscuity product one has produced forth for sale to relevant interested parties.
Forsooth, lest my eyes do deceive, sir you are a man of foreign lands.
None other than Pytheas, hailing from the Greek colony of Massilia.
Sir, pray tell more of thy sea-borne travel. 'Tis rare in my eyes to see a man of such foreign persuasion at an inland port such as this.
Ay, 'tis my pleasure and nothing less to speak here with you of my experience. 'Twas a rough sea, but nought as much as has been my misfortune in the past. Your seas in these parts do trouble sea-faring individuals such as myself, but not beyond what could be withstood by such skilled oarsmen as mine own.
But among these seas? What experience could they have faced to prepare them!
Much more than as we see here, when one makes voyage forth to the Carthaginian outpost beyond Africa.
With no doubt noble greej, for the sea of the Atlantic is not without tales of cruelty.
'Tis true beyond reasonable doubt. Now, to be clear, I must know more of your foodstuffs, speak to me of this grand Saxon biscuit.
For shame, for shame, 'tis my own failure in courtesy and hospitality to not have introduced thee before. Before you on this stand is nothing less than the finest in all of these islands. The finest in biscuity nature, no doubt.
Such words are not lightly uttered.
And nor were they said in doubt.
Then speak forth muddy man, if I were to take four with me on this day, what quantity of currency would I owe to thee?
With a noble man such as thee, I would not wish to pry, but I request knowledge of what I see there, strapped unto your back. Perhaps in these products we could make a trade.
My dear sir, it is my great pleasure to speak more of this. My friend, 'tis a tuna fish, and do not doubt my veracity.
As I live and breathe! A true tuna. Perhaps for a single slice we could exchange.
'Tis a fair exchange, man of dung-like odor, we shall call it settled.
Although it is challenging and nearly nonsensical to engage in the troublesome game of converting classical currency into a modern equivalent, the burden has unenviably fallen on the shoulders of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE. By his estimation, and using the table below, he has shown with reasonable accuracy (as much as is possible with these topics) the rough price of HobNobs in the only modern currency with which he is familiar, the Yemeni Rial.
Product | Individual HobNob | Four HobNobs | Single Slice of Tuna | Falafel |
Value | YER13000 | YER27000 | YER6755 | YER4300 |
Although we can see here THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE engaging in idle speculation as to the cost of a falafel in such a perplexingly Saxon society, the point still illustrates that a single piece of such a foodstuff would cost 75.5 Modern Israeli New Sheqel.
In this event we see illustrated facts hitherto unconsidered by the average biscuit consumer. Since then other accounts of HobNob consumption come from historical figures such as Chaucer, who was known to have included a reference to HobNobs in his epic Canterbury Tales. In The Farrier's Tale, he writes of a 'commone man djwelin among t'sede of stret' who was seen to be 'deenin' an bisscitty treat' thought by many these days to be a reference to a HobNob. As THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has observed, 'bisscitty treat' in middle English was rather a rare term. Even when leaving aside the lack of linguistic standardization, and bringing in other terms of a similar nature, it still appears only to be associated with oat-based products held together by the same methods as HobNobs, leading all major discerning and critical readers to conclude of this being beyond any reasonable doubt, a reference to a HobNob.
As a third and final historical analysis of this particular item, one need look no further than the great bard of England himself, William Shakespeare of the Globe Theater, London. In many records of his life, his love of HobNobs were recorded. From one letter dated to May 1616, he is known to have declared his love of such a biscuit, exclaiming as follows,
For all my loves within this life, beyonde literature and all that I have been knowne so widely and spoken of for, there is one love beyonde all. That biscuity treat, the HobNob! There lies the truest rose of English lande.Additionally, this is also the first use of the modern term HobNob. Before this, it is thought that the previously mentioned vernacular name dating to Chaucer was the accepted term. Once again, it appears that Shakespeare not only changed language but remained relevant to such a decidedly modern debate as this one.
And now, it is not without concern that I raise the biggest issue to be addressed in position Epsilon, the modern production of HobNobs. I believe it is beyond any conceivable doubt that I have shown HobNobs to be a truly ancient and non-class-bound tradition of Britain that I move on to issues of their current production. It has not been allowed to slip passed the eyes of the modern discerning Britishman, that the quality of HobNobs have been compromised.
At this point, I rely on the research of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, who has helpfully spent most of the last three months rummaging through every EU regulation to find the one named EU Regulation 54/2002, which is the one specifically pertaining to the production of HobNobs. It is known to not be unlike the EU to meddle with the cultural affairs of marginalized peoples, such as the Basque, the Welsh or the Sardinians, but to meddle so directly with a cornerstone of the British cultural identity was previously believed by the author to be unthinkable, but upon reading this document, my beliefs were painfully altered.
For those not "in the loop", so to speak, the document pertained to the size, shape, composition and production methods of the HobNob. Much alike to when the Sardinians were told to remove the maggots from their Casu Marzu, the British people were told to remove the love from their HobNobs. The size was regulated to be slightly smaller than was previously the norm, the oat to honey ratio was forced to lean slightly more towards honey (in what can only be assumed was an attempt to lean preference towards French and German honey producing multi-national corporations) as well as, most shockingly of all, solely licensing the manufacture of HobNob biscuits to a rural region of Bulgaria.
In this region of Bulgaria, around the town of Kazanluk, one can find numerous small HobNob manufacturing communities, unrecognized by the national government of Bulgaria and unmarked on Google Earth. The photo below should provide ample illustration.
THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has informed me that people escaped from these communities have reported horrendous conditions. The individuals there are told that 'HobNobs will be your entire life'. They are regularly told not to "think of things other than HobNobs". As such, leaving aside any particular issues of worker exploitation, it is perhaps of greater concern, that the key ingredient of love has been removed from the HobNob.
If this was not devastating enough, it has come to the attention of many discerning individuals, that the current conservative government has been implicit in the whole affair. David Cameron was even once believed to have visited the camps, accompanied by Mobutu Sese Seko, as recently as 2010. The camps are believed to be run by rogue elements of the current Congolese government, using a mixture of Congolese, Bulgarian and Finnish workers on the factory floor. It is also worthy of note that individuals working at the Bulgarian camps are known to be, according to accounts of disimpassioned telephoto photographers, of unusually large stature. Also removing the long-held tradition of using only short-statured craftmen to produce British HobNobs.
As such, it appears that among the biscuits of Britain, the HobNob is no longer of satisfactory, savory production. It is handled no longer by skilled craftmen, as has been the tradition since ancient times, but by unskilled foreign craftmen. The worst among them perhaps the Finns, some of whom have even been known to slip salted licorice into the HobNobs, much to the chagrin of British consumers in the UK as well as their colonies of Australia, New Zealand, Cyprus, Malta and the Algarve.
This meddling of ingredients brings me on to the
Although the Greek financial situation is well-known to the modern people of Europe and the British colonies in North America, it made need some further explanation for persons from further afield. As such I have chosen to link an enlightening article below for interested readers in more distant territories such as China, Japan or Zanzibar.
All of the hearts of Europe are with Greece in this difficult time, but it should not distract us from some among the more serious issues at play. The issue I wish to discuss is the British outsourcing of the production of Rich Teas to unlicensed producers in Greece.
To take a brief aside, the love of Rich Teas, it should be indicated, is wide-spread in British society. Some of its more famous patrons include Byron and Shelley, as well as Queen Elizabeth I & II. It is generally considered by people of the general public to be rather a romantic biscuit, retaining its individual beauty and character through its unique simplicity. Many persons in modern Britain like to think of it as the greatest national symbol of the fruits of the Romantic period. In fact, some individuals actually claim that Queen Elizabeth I's personal accounts of consuming digestives could in fact have been a forgery devised by Victorian revisionists attempting to remove the limelight from Byron - as many believed in that period that Byron was the original creator of the humble rich tea, as it did so embody his own personal artistic and creative outlook. For the purposes of idle speculation, the reader will know doubt be delighted to know that I have tracked down Byron's recipe and will reproduce it here. THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE informs me that Byron's recipe is unlikely to be the first, but it is undoubtedly the oldest as yet known to the British people.
Although this recipe is quite surely a treat for the cultured reader, it is not produced without referencing the irony of its author. Byron being such a hero for the Greek people, it is sad to see today ingredients being substituted in their dodgy production of Rich Teas. If only the Greeks could retain the original spirit of Byron's recipe, this whole current problem could be averted.For perfect Rich Tea biscuit, as eaten by denizens of Britain and enjoyed by honorable people everywhere, simply combine the ingredients as follows and bake in a traditional oven for the short time of only nine minutes, recorded by hourglass or clock.
Eighty Grams of the mostly finely ground boutique sugar, blessed by the sun for freshness, washed in the earthly delight of sweetness and bless'd as such for pleasure on the tongue of man.
One Hundred and Eighty Grams of fresh creamy butter, labored over by a common, yet eminently beautiful milk-maid in extraction from the most pastoral and blessedly simple of beasts, the humble cow of green pastures, and prepared in proper tradition to its current butterly state.
Two Hundred and Forty Grams of ground white flour, produced in the humble mill, with the love of the hands of simple farming folk, who look out in their brief moments of idleness across the beauty of the British countryside.
As in the primary position, it would appear that unscrupulous ingredients are entering the Rich Tea. Thanks to the efforts of THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE, there has been some progress in discerning exactly what has been entering these biscuits. By flying the individual out in to the field, the exact production process has been observed.
Those who have never been to Greece may not be aware of the beauty of their beaches, below is an illustrative image, showing one of the more famous beaches of Kos, Thermes. Note the distinctly Rich Tea like texture of the sand.
And to those of my readers above average intellect, the conclusion is undoubtedly already drawn! The Greeks have been planting sand from their unusually luscious beaches, into our British biscuits. Under UK law, sand was a prohibited ingredient in biscuits for general consumption but under EU Regulation 562/2006, sand is now permitted in biscuits across the EU. This has led to an unprecedented in surge in biscuit sand, as I doubt will come as a surprise to nobody.
Some individuals in Greece are known to be collecting beach sand and baking it into biscuits, as THE MAN OF KNOWLEDGE has now observed first-hand. And to make matters more shocking McVities have actually been complicit in this. On Greek islands, it is very common to find McVities representatives whose sole job is to roam the streets purchasing counterfeit sand-based Rich Tea biscuits and carrying them in locked briefcases back to the UK on
It is here that I suggest a three point plan, that I hope can be rallied behind by all. The initial step is easy, it just involves turning up on national referendum day and ticking the box labeled "Brexit for Britain and Biscuits". The next two maybe harder. I will outline each of them briefly and then elaborate.
As established previously, the first point is easy to do, and no doubt you are impassioned for it after reading the accounts in point Epsilon and Theta, but for a British individual the challenge will come in boycotting McVities. I think by now, dear reader, their evil should be well-known. I simply pray that you have the strength to bake your own biscuits at home, and resist to purchase the ones thumbed by Bulgarians and Finns. It is only by voting with our wallets, that we can send a strong enough message to the corporate giants.
As for the third point, I recommend manufacturing your own clothes at home, produced from only discarded flags removed from government buildings by the new anti-patriotic Europhiles in our modern parliament. For those for whom a statement such as this is not strong enough, I recommend printing out images of Nigel Farage's face, and wearing them over your own face when out in public. If at least 30% of the population were to do this, and David Cameron saw such an image whilst roaming the streets of London, he would no doubt be converted to considering the issue at hand, and ensuring government protection for the future of our British biscuits.
For those with partners who are not completely converted to feelings of concern regarding these serious issues, I highly recommend wearing a similar or identical Nigel Farage mask whilst in bed or making love with them. However please bear in mind that an indoor mask may not require such weather-resistant material as an outdoor mask.
[This message has been edited by Feliks (edited 04-03-2016 @ 01:35 PM).]